This was originally posted on The Onion a couple years ago but since it’s NASCAR’s All-Star weekend, I thought it warranted a re-visit, enjoy!
Technical Problems Throughout NASCAR History
An as-yet undiagnosed tire-related issue meant that NASCAR’s Brickyard 400 was a minor disaster, but it isn’t the first time mechanical setbacks have struck the least advanced form of motorsport:
1950: Due to both steering and visual problems, two cars collide violently in the middle of a race
1971: Window netting adopted following the tragic decapitation of Wally Hucklepup, Richard Petty’s beloved coon hound
1975: To fight the problem of track debris accumulating in the bodywork, NASCAR bans the El Camino from competition
1979: When Cale Yarborough’s secret turbo is stolen by the Jethro Brothers, Bo and Luke must outwit Boss Hogg to get it back—without breaking parole
1981: Dadgum thing just up and quit workin’ on me; never happened when my cousin owned it, I tell you what
Keep Reading
Michelle Obama wants to tackle fat kids. No, I’m sorry, Michelle Obama wants to tackle the fat kid epidemic that has over the years caused most Americans to blow up to the size of a Smart car, but without the awesome gas mileage.
The Onion brought awareness to this issue with their report from 6/13/01:
“Surgeon General: Americans Have Gigantic Fat Asses”
WASHINGTON, DC–According to a report released Monday by the Surgeon General’s office, 67 percent of U.S. citizens have gigantic fat asses, with that number projected to climb significantly in the next decade.
…Americans are alternately described as “porkers,” “wide loads,” and “friggin’ whales,” attributes the fat asses primarily to poor eating habits, with diets heavy on sugar, starches, and saturated fats. It also cites Americans’ lack of exercise and sedentary lifestyles as factors in the trend toward “huge bucket-butts.”
In addition, the report found that roughly 185 million Americans are “flab-ass flabbos who couldn’t say no to a candy bar if their fat, stupid lives depended on it.” It went on to warn that those with “gargantuan, sun-blocking rear ends” stand at greater risk of conditions ranging from heart disease to hideousness.
…”The time has come for Americans to face the truth about our collective fat ass,” Satcher said. “For too long, we have sat on our massive rump, mindlessly consuming 90 percent of the world’s resources and growing steadily bigger by the decade. It’s time to get off that fat ass and face the harsh reality of our enormous, distended, disgusting hind ends.” – Full Read
From TheOnion.com:
Shaq Misses Entire Second Half With Pulled Pork Sandwhich – Cavaliers center Shaquille O’Neal suffered a frustrating setback during his team’s victory over the Toronto Raptors Tuesday night, when he was sidelined for the entire second half of the game with a pulled pork sandwich. O’Neal, who scored 12 points and grabbed three rebounds during the first half of the game, returned to the bench at the beginning of the third quarter, clutching at the pulled pork sandwich and informing trainers that it was incredibly tender. A member of the Cavaliers’ medical staff said that when he attempted to examine the pulled pork sandwich, O’Neal flinched away and grunted sharply.
Dusty Baker Has Already Destroyed Aroldis Chapman’s Arm – Within just a few minutes of Cuban pitcher Aroldis Chapman’s arrival in the United States, Reds manager Dusty Baker had already overused and mangled the 21-year-old’s arm beyond recognition, team sources reported Sunday. Baker, who has been accused of overtaxing young pitchers’ arms in the past, reportedly greeted Chapman with a bucket of 250 baseballs and told him to “hurl them” as fast as he could, later encouraging the fastballer to “go nuts” with his pitching style. “He didn’t even let me stretch out first,” Chapman said.
McGwire Admits It Was “really fucking fun” Hitting Baseballs So Far – Former St. Louis Cardinals slugger, onetime single-season home run record holder, and admitted steroid abuser Mark McGwire came clean Monday, confessing that it was really fucking fun being able to hit baseballs so hard and far. “I can’t remember having a better time in all of my life,” McGwire said during an hour-long interview with the MLB Network’s Bob Costas. “Do you have any idea what it’s like knowing instantly that a ball you hit is going to fly—no, soar—over a fence in a major-league stadium? Well, I do. And it’s fucking fantastic.”
CBS Producers Make A Plea To Shannon Sharpe – In an effort to clear up the confusion caused by terminology such as “unconsistentical” and “splosiverance,” CBS producers made a formal request Monday that NFL Today commentator Shannon Sharpe use a minimum of three real words in each sentence. “We tried to convey to Mr. Sharpe that peppering in a few words that actually exist will help viewers understand what he’s talking about,” executive producer Sean McManus said. “Providing fans with some context is key for Shannon. It is much easier to comprehend what he means when he says, ‘Andre Johnson needimentally must keep advantagizing opportunimals this week.’”
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